Why was my life a mess?

02/10/21

We all have ups and downs. What I've found though, is that my down times are fewer and shorter now that I'm living authentically, following my spiritual practises and making decisions from soul. 

It wasn't always that way.  I was shut off from my authentic self for many, many years and it made for a very unfulfilled experience during those years. This is why I'm so passionate about sharing my experiences and supporting other women who are ready to re-discover their soul selves.

During the 'shut off years', as I call them, it actually wasn't too tough (most of the time). Because I was pretty much totally shut off. I mean, it wasn't peaceful or fulfilled or insanely happy and connected like it is now. It was just meh. And always there was this nagging feeling that there was more....you know that weird feeling you get when you leave the house and feel like you've forgotten something but don't know what? That's the feeling I had all the time back then.

Most of the decisions I made came from a place of fear. Fear of not belonging. Fear of not being loved. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of other people's actions. Fear of not being in control. That was a big one.

The beginning of the end

The beginning of the end of the 'shut off years' came when I was 36. I finally woke up and left an emotionally abusive 18 year marriage. The Universe sent someone into my life temporarily that woke me up and moved me on. This was the first step on my path towards my purpose and spiritual awakening. 

But quite often, in the lead up to each level of awkening/enlightenment, there is a period of contrast and turmoil. That's exactly what I was experiencing and struggling to emerge from when the Universe set into motion the unlikely circumstances that would bring my partner into my life. I was emotionally drained, my relationships with my friends and family were crumbling, I was in debt, I weighed 7 stone, I was putting myself in really risky situations...the list goes on...

At the peak of all this a friend of mine convinced me to (very unwillingly) join an online dating site. I was less than keen but she was persistent and so we put my profile together. What followed was me really not talking to many people on the site. I did go out on a few dates, though, that could only be described as....interesting! 

Was life about to change?

One evening I was scrolling through the profiles that came up for me (I had put in very specific criteria so my dating pool was small). No-one caught my eye and to be honest, I was tired of the dating game. I was just about to switch off my laptop and go to bed when a profile pic popped up on my screen. Without even thinking about it I clicked on the pic. No idea why because the man in the pic could not be further from my usual 'type'. Nevertheless I read his profile and was blown away by how similar it was to my own profile. Almost a carbon copy! So I messaged him just to say "Hey, check out how similar our profiles are!" I had no interest in meeting him, dating him, whatever. He wasn't my type at all (sorry Darran!). And, get this, he didn't even fit my criteria for matches so he shouldn't have shown up on my screen at all.

Anyway, he messaged back and we started talking. Before I knew it I had agreed to a date, not expecting much because he wasn't my type (see the pattern of what I kept telling myself?). There was an instant connection when we met but I remember telling myself and my friends that I can't like him because he was just so far removed from the men I'd been attracted to in the past. I knew what I wanted and he wasn't it. Yet, there was this incredible connection and I WAS attracted to him no matter what I kept telling myself.

The Universe knew better

We've been together 12 years now, ever since our first date. We have a beautiful son together (another little miracle that happened despite the fact that it should have been biologically impossible - but that's another story). I thought I knew what I wanted, but the Universe knew what I NEEDED and conspired to make it happen for me. Meeting Darran and having Cade healed so many wounds for my older children and me. Had I not met Darran I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to begin my spiritual journey, to uncover all my limiting beliefs that needed to be uncovered and rewritten in order to live my purpose.

My life has changed beyond recognition since meeting Darran. Yes, it's down to my own hard work and determination and ability to follow my intuition. But it's no coincidence that my spiritual journey started when Darran came into my life. 

He was the calm, supportive, loving energy I needed to bring my authentic self forward and stop hiding. Ironically Darran doesn't actually share my spiritual beliefs. I didn't need someone to share my beliefs. I needed someone that would hold space for me so that I could rediscover them for myself.

What’s the point of this story?

Firstly, sometimes we have to look beyond our usual type, our usual thought patterns, our usual habits, our usual beliefs. Sometimes what we really need is not usual for us at all.

Secondly, if your intuition (that gut feeling) tells you to do something, even if it doesn't make sense at the time, do it. It's your inner being trying to tell you something.

Thirdly, the Universe has your back. ALWAYS. You just have to allow it. That part can be tricky (it took me until I was 36!)

Lastly, how freaking awesome is the way in which the Universe works?? Remember, we are spiritual beings living a human experience. We are not governed by human laws.